cheleanne's Blog

The hours, days, weeks, and months roll on by.  I feel much older than I am and yet I keep going.  It's already March and the last time I really thought about it, it was still January!

It seems sometimes that I get home from work and it's already bedtime.  I work so much these days and I am wondering if I actually got what I wanted in a job.  Don't get me wrong, I love my job very much!  I just work a lot of overtime and add my regular hours to that, well, it makes for one tired girl! :-0  (yawn).

I had to cancel my February holidays as that was when the overtime started and they wanted me to work.  So I did.  I also put in for August holidays and was asked to cancel those as well because one of the boss's favorites wanted that same week off.  I booked my holidays for the year on Dec. 30th.  The 'favorite' didn't book her holidays for the year until Feb. 3.  So go figure that she would get hers and I would be asked to cancel - yet again.

When I re-read the paragraph above, I have to say, 'no wonder I'm so damned tired!' 

I'm thinking about the fight this morning with my husband - it's January 1, 2009 today and what a way to ring in the New Year....

I'm thinking that after my first counselling session next week, that I will seek the advice of a divorce lawyer....

I'm thinking that 2009 will be a tough year for me and my girls as my hubby and I fight about who gets what and who....

I'm thinking that by the end of 2009 I will be calmer and will be able to control how I feel as the divorce fighting will hopefully be over by the end of the year....

I'm thinking if I have to sell my home, my children's home, that I will be in dire straights by the end of 2009....

I'm thinking that I don't want to ever get married again and that too many men just aren't worth it....

I'm thinking that if I lose my girls to my husband, I will not be around to see 2010....

These are my thoughts today for the first day of 2009....

This is just writing out of the blue.  I feel really hurt and let down tonight.  I thought someone liked me and yet dumped me... I can't figure out why.

 

I just dont get it.... why do people say one thing and yet contradict themselves with their actions? My heart is becoming a heart of stone and I honestly don't want much to do with people anymore. 

 

I've had so many trials and tribulations lately and frankly, I am tired of it all.  I think I will just stay offline for a while and try to forget the words said to me... try to forget the person behind the words.  I can't imagine this will be easy for me, but I have to try - and just stay in my little corner of the world and live the worthless life I, by some people's definition, have chosen....

Well it's been a while since I've written here.  I have stopped working on my 3rd novel.  I have pretty much stopped everything in my life because I have been concentrating so hard on trying to get my job permanently.  I will know hopefully this week if I have won the one year contract position I interviewed for last Thursday.  Wish me luck with that ok?

Now - for the ultimatum... I have decided that once I have this contract position, I am going to give my husband an ultimatum.  An open marriage or a divorce.  I'm curious to see if he cares enough to allow me the pleasures of an open marriage, but I doubt it.  But I just can't live this way any longer.  It's really killing my soul... my passion... my sense of womanhood. 

So that's it.... an open marriage, or divorce... and this time, I'm sticking to my guns!!!

 

 

Well, it's February already and time is flying so fast for me.  I feel like I'm aging 5 years for every 1.  I'm so confused these days and still very unhappy... my marriage is a farce and I'm afraid that I won't make it through the hard times yet to come.

My girls are good - they are my solace and my inspiration although I haven't had any energy to be inspired for a long time now.  My household chores are not done and I don't even care anymore.  What on earth is wrong with me?  My anti-depressants don't seem to work and I talked to the doctor about this and he kind of blew it off... saying that it's a trial and error thing with these kinds of meds.  I know that what works for one person may not work for another, but he didn't help by trying something else.  I just want off these stupid pills anyway - they are not doing me much good and I feel like I'm wasting my money and messing with my body by taking them.

My husband keeps doing stupid things and I find myself completely intolerant of his actions.  Yesterday he picked my 9 year old up off the couch by the arm... I intervened and told him to leave her alone - he did.  But yelled at me about it.  Today he was just plain picking on her verbally because she wouldn't do as he asked.  She got upset and told me that she wanted to die and that has me in a panic.  I can't live like this anymore.  This is just too hard. I am being guided somewhat by a good EP friend who is very wise and knows the Lord much better than I do.

Ok, now he's yelling at me... I have to go... this is just too much for me and I think I will go to bed.

I am a mass of confusion right now. Nobody seems to want to talk to me or have anything to do with me... I'm not even sure if I've done or said something wrong.  I send messages and get no reply. I wish I was stronger and that it didn't hurt...but I'm not and it does!

If I have done something wrong to anyone, I'm so sorry - if I've said something wrong to anyone, I'm so sorry... I just don't know what I have done....

Well, the depression is still settling in, and I think a lot of it is I don't feel very well.  I feel like I'm coming down with something - but yet I don't get sick.  It's really weird.

Anyway, where I'm temping right now, another position for a Plant Clerk I has opened up.  I am submitting my resume tomorrow for it. I have revamped my resume and had some of my co-workers read it over for suggestions and proof reading. I am still working on it as I type this, because I want to be sure that I have a good chance at this position.

I found out about this position from my boss.  She didn't want to tell me about it, but felt she should. It is in another department and she didn't want to lose me.  She really is a great boss and loves my work and my ethics.  I'm glad that she is at least on my side.  She told me that if I wanted, that she would go over some interview questions with me to help me feel more comfortable with the interview that I will have for this position.

I'm happy and feel good that she likes me that much and happy that she is willing to help me. I told her that I would love to become permanent and if a Plant Clerk II position came up after I was on permanently, that I would, if allowed, apply.  Apparently when you get into a new position, they can hold you there for 1 year.  I think it's just a technicallity (sp?) and I don't think most supervisors do that, but she wanted me to know that they can.

If I don't get the position, my life will not change. But I will be working there until April or so as a temp and maybe another position will come along during that time.

I'm not getting my hopes up like I did last time - because I was so let down that it killed a part of my spirit.  This company is extremely hard to get into because it's ALL union and the benefits are incredible.  All office employees are union as well and it's a great place to work.  It's hard to imagine that others have actually quit there....

So, to end this tonight, I just ask for your best wishes for this opportunity as I'm not going to wind myself up for it like I did last time.....

Another night - another downer for me. There literally is nobody to talk to anymore.  All my EP friends are never online when I am and I feel so down.  I hate living the life I am living and I don't know how to change things.   I have to get out of this marriage - out of this house - and maybe even out of this world. 

I feel a huge depression coming on and I can't seem to stop it. I was ok last night and did two karaoke shows back to back... I guess the beer helped some.  Today, I can't seem to shake the feeling of hopelessness.  I know people will tell me it will get better, but I don't want to hear that.  I don't WANT it to get better - I just want to waste away to nothingness and let the good Lord or Satan take me - whichever one would even want me, I don't know.

I just don't know what to do anymore.....

Ok, I had an awesome day!  Except for the fact that it snowed here last night and well, the roads were a bit on the slick side....

I got to work in one piece - had to start my day at the GBS building for an hour - then off to the Keephills plant to learn reception there.  Tomorrow I am on my own.  A little nervewracking, but really, it's all a matter of just learning the phone system that is there.  It's not too bad.  Now, if I could only remember where the freakin' TRANSFER button was!! LOL

The girl that trained me today is so cool.  She's one of the nicest people - and she seems to think that it won't be long before I get on full time, permanent. I told her that I hoped she was right!

So, I met a bunch more new people - and can't keep them straight - Bill, George, Bob, oh what the hell... HEY YOU!!! PHONE!! LMAO  Just kidding!

It's been so long since I have felt this UP!!!  PLUS - I listed an item on Ebay last night and came home to find 5, count'em FIVE bid on it!!! Wow, my first REAL attempt at selling on Ebay and it's a positive thing!

Anyway, I'm bouncing off the walls here, just really hyper! So I guess I should quit writing for now and do something constructive!!!

Until next time....

 

 

 

 

Well, I had my interview for the big job that I want.  It went ok - I guess - but I can't help feeling helpless.  It's an awful feeling and I feel like I have no control over my destiny.  I feel like MY future is in someone else's hands and it's a hard thing to overcome.

I will be ok though - and I'm really hoping to find out a positive answer on Friday.  I am hoping to know by lunch time...either way.  I know if I don't get the job, I will probably cry.  I worked so hard on this interview.  Thanks to Mr. Optimistic, I actually stand a chance of getting it.  Some of my answers were awesome!  And some weren't.  I guess everyone has that happen.  I just don't want to jeapordize this job.

Anyway, I just wanted to get this down here and hopefully it will get off my mind.

Thanks for reading!

Ok, just a quick update here.  As per my earlier blog, I wrote that the company I'm temping for invited me to a formal interview for a permanent position.  Well..... tomorrow is my interview. I'm nervous a bit but I just know that I can nail this.  I'm so hyped about it.

I need all the luck and prayers I can get - so if you're reading this, when you're done, please say just a one-liner prayer for me... that's all I need.

Thanks!!!

Ok,  the decision between which job I would take has been made for me.... The one I thought I would go with fell through and that's ok.  I ended up at the job I thought I would let go.  The full time one.

Turns out that the full time position is temp, but on the phone, when she called me and asked me if I would be interested in working, I asked her what my chances were of becoming permanent.  She said that it was always a possibility.

So...... my 'boss' sent me an email invitation to interview for a permanent position!  I automatically accepted the opportunity!  I think I could enjoy it there - and be a lifer!  However, I am so bad at interview as my nerves take over.. any suggestions anyone????

YIKES!!!  Woke up feeling sick - not nausea but just not feeling well.  Groggy and a little disoriented.  Wow, I got to work this morning early.. had to park in a special area... then spend 3 hours doing an orientation on WHMS, ESA, etc.... ok, I don't remember a freaking thing about either - did a 40 questionnaire during a video - got most of them right .. but I don't remember a freaking thing there either!!! LOL  What a waste of time!  But they are paying me to do it - so I guess I have to do it.

 
Then....after all that, I go back to the security shack only to find out that I have to walk a mile to get to the office where I'll be working  - because I'm considered a contractor (until I get on permanenty, if I do), I cannot drive the mile to the office.  So, I tredge the mile hike to the office - ok, now I'm brain fried and tired.... then I find out I have to climb stairs to get to my work area.  Now, I'm upstairs, and my 'boss' gives me some filing to do - ok - I don't mind filing.  The files weigh a ton - and of course, the file room is waaaaaaayyyyyy down the hall...locked, and the cabinets inside are locked as well..... so I have all these keys... Then I go back to her for more work.... she gives me more filing.  This time the weight is not so bad and the cabinets are closer.  Whew!  I got through all the filing pretty quick and I think she was impressed.  I mentioned that some of the files were out of order, so I put them where they belonged.

 
I still had an hour to kill, and my 'boss' wanted to wait until Monday to get me entering stuff on the computer.  So, she asked if I would tidy up the supply room.  No problem.  I love to organize stuff, so I was feeling ok about this.  The only problem was, was the supply room was so HOT..... and I couldn't handle it.  I started to get a headache... so now I sit here (at home) nursing a headache.  However, once I have an actual job, it will be much better as I don't think I will get stuck cleaning the supply room or doing everyone's filing.  I don't mind doing it though....just wish that their office was more practically set up!!! 

 
I just took a tylenol #1 and hope this headache goes away soon.... I'm hungry but I'm too tired to make anything to eat... the girls are out with friends for a little while, and hubby isn't home yet.... I think I might have a little sleep before everyone comes in and all hell breaks loose!!! 

Wow, I had a tooth pulled on Saturday and the pain is horrible!  I guess I got what they call dry socket and it's a baaaaad place to be! 

I start my new job on Thursday this week and was hoping to not start until Monday of next week... it's just that I'm totally unprepared and now I have to get prepared so fast.  I guess this job will last unitl the end of Dec.... which is good because by then I will need a break.   My body has been through so much the last month or so that I have not fully recovered from my surgery.  This is terrible. 

I wish my husband would get a better paying job so I could just go work at a coffee shop part time or something. It would be so much better for me.  Better yet, I wish our property would sell.... then we would be mortgage free.  It would be so nice...

 

What a weekend so far!!! I'm going sleep tomorrow away!  I worked all day Friday (8-430) then rushed home to get the kids supper.  Took one of the girls to a sleepover, ran a karaoke show till 1am or so, came home and slept....not long enough!

Today I had to go to the dentist - had to have a tooth pulled....ouchie!!  Ok, so then the kids are going on ANOTHER sleepover because I couldn't get a babysitter for tonight and I have another show.... I'm so tired and I just want to go to bed - not go out to work again.

I tried to talk hubby into doing the show for me so I could stay home, but he wouldn't.  I'm still recovering from my surgery, and am not healing properly - gee, I wonder why!?!?  Oh well, we all have busy times...

I have 2 job offers on the table right now and am analyzing those... unsure of what to do here.  One job is just for a month but the chances are good to get on permanent.... with great pay and benefits....

The other job is part time (3 days/wk) and will grow into full time.... I like the idea of being home with my kids 2 extra days a week - help them with their homework etc....and I'm sure the pay will be great there also....  so I'm at a bit of a loss... it would help if both would tell me the pay and if the first job would tell me that they will guarantee me full time permanent.  Both are close to home and that is such a bonus...... any suggestions???

My husband and I had a huge fight last night - I scaled my foot with boiling water - and when my husband came out to the kitchen to help me, he wanted me to sit in the kitchen.  I told him I would be more comfortable in my chair in the living room and asked him to help me there.  That started the fight.

The fight continued with accusations of complaining and always being wrong. It's always me who is wrong - never him... so I just threw my hands up in the air and said, 'you're right - again - as usual'.... and then he started raising his voice saying hurtful things.  I figure if he could say hurtful things, then  I could too!  So, I went on to say to him to that he needs to learn how to treat a wife. 

I also told him that I would just LOVE to get together with his ex-wife and ex-girlfriend to see if he treated them this way also... I told him that I bet he did - and that's why they left him.  He was with his ex-wife for 2 years (6 months into their marriage, she left to live with her parents in another province), and I can't remember how long he was with his girlfriend after that - but I know it wasn't long.

I told him that if he can't even touch me that maybe we shouldn't be married anymore - and that he should leave.  He told me that he wasn't leaving - and that I should be the one to leave... what freaking nerve!!!

Anyway, I cried myself to sleep during the wee hours of the morning and woke up feeling so lost and full of anxiety... it just isn't right.  I have made a conscience decision today to find my own place - I am supposed to secure a job tomorrow (been working on this job since June) and I am praying that it all works out for me. 

Rents here are high - and a 1 bdrm starts at $900 per month - and I can't seem to figure how we are going to sell the house to split our property up when he can't even finish the stupid kitchen!!!

This is me - my life - my misery - my solution... in a nutshell........

Today is very agonizing for me.  I cannot seem to shake the intense feeling of these anxiety attacks.  They simply come out of nowhere and it's so hard to calm down.  I woke up with this attack and it's lasted all day.  How the hell do you make it stop??  Deep breaths don't work...lying down doesn't work....I can't figure out what to do....

I have a doctors appointment on Wednesday and will talk to him about it - if I MAKE it to Wednesday.  Right now the feeling is so strong, I just want to end everything and start over again - if that is even possible...

This is how I feel today... lonely, depressed, and anxious.

 

 

Hi all,

Ok, for all that did not understand my last blog about my relationship with another man here comes the clarification:

1. We are friends and lovers ONLY - no love between us other than physical love.  He doesn't want to leave his wife and I am really good with that.  I don't understand why 2 people can't be friends and lovers without everyone figuring that someone has to leave someone - or have a 'don't get hurt' personna about it. 

2. We are close - yes - close as in friends - (we have a lot in common) - and lovers but without the 'love' emotion.  It is possible.   We don't WANT to love each other emotionally - it gets too complicated then.  We just want simplicity.

3. Why can't friends be lovers without being IN love...?  I don't understand why that is a difficult concept for some people.  I appreciate all of you who feel concerned about my heart - but I can honestly tell you that my heart is not in jeapordy in this relationship.  All it is is a physical release of sexual tension between 2 people who have spouses that have no libido!  Nothing more than that!

For all the emails regarding my last blog, thank-you!!  I do know that you are all trying to look out for me and I appreciate that.  All of you are very special people....and I don't know what I would do without you!!!

Well.... now that I'm back I have some catching up to do with my blog!  I have met a great man who is married to a sexless spouse like me.  We have connected with a great friendship - we have so much in common - from singing to loving.  We have become very close in the last few months and I do think we are very compatible.  However, we both have spouses and have been growing our friendship in private. 

He is a wonderful person and he enjoys his time with me, as I do my time with him.  We progress in each meeting and I have found that we are both opening up to each other - with personal feelings and thoughts.  I trust him with every word and every touch.

I have to say that he has opened my world to fabulous feelings and sexual healing.  I also have to say that we do a lot of experimenting which has opened my eyes to some of the 'quaint' things that people do.  It's an amazing feeling when we are together - even if it's just coffee and talk.  He brings out my inner self, which is something that nobody has ever done before.  It's a feeling of exileration and I don't ever want it to end. 

He is so into making me feel good that he doesn't think about himself.  I have to say that I cannot feel good if he doesn't feel good - so it's a very mutual relationship. 

He has no intention of leaving his wife, which is ok with me, because when I do leave my husband, I honestly feel that I need to be alone for a while.  We will continue to see each other as he has expressed how his world opens up when we're together.  We bring each other to life - without strings.....

 

Well...whew!  The surgery is over I'm starting to heal... Oddly enough, there is no pain - just the nagging slight of a headache and groggy feeling from the anesthetic and the morphine.  I absolutely hate that!

I have tried to let most people in EP know that it went well, and I'm home and recouping, so I guess this blog is to let everyone know - whoever I may have missed, my apologies.  If I could just clear my head some more, I could think a little clearer.

I'm trying not to smoke, but have already broke that doctor's rule.  Although, I'm down to about 5 cigarettes a day - I am only smoking when I actually NEED the nicotine - not just because I feel like it.  Which there is a big difference.  So, I'm doing my best for all you out there who will scold me! LOL 

I'm hoping that I will be able to travel before the snow flies so that I can make the 8 hour drive to Robbie when he gets somewhat settled in Montana.  We really have to do something about getting his Canadian citizenship back and having him settled here in Alberta with me.  I can't think about much else than that. 

Well, this is where I'll end today - am thinking about laying down for a while and resting up.   Take care all... and I'll be back regularly soon...